Future Self: Hey you — how are you holding up?
Present Self: I’m just very much lost right now. Should I go get my masters? I just feel like I’m not good enough for it. People have spent a lot of their personal time programming and I just feel like I’m doing it for the credits. I know I’m never gonna be as good as them… and I like feeling like im better than other people. I’m not saying I want everyone to do worse or that I want to surround myself with people who do worse than me, but like, it's just so hard to be surrounded by people who love what they do and are good at what they do.
You don’t feel like you love it as much as they do?
I don't think I’m in love with coding. But the Corona Virus just got me thinking..
Ah.. yeah, I remember. Those were such such weird times.. I remember feeling like I took my day-to-day things for granted before that, like seeing my friends, going to school, going to work, that kind of stuff.
Yeah.. because of the virus so many people are losing their jobs, and the people who are keeping their jobs are specialists like engineers. I honestly don’t want to pursue it, but I just feel like it’s objectively the best decision for me. But I don’t love it, and my family doesn’t think I can make it. I honestly don’t think I can make it, but the people around me keep telling me I should take my shot. In middle school, I placed third in the nation for this Robot Contest and I felt like I could do shit in this world. I felt more capable then. Then came college, and everyone's just so much better than me.
I mean, that has so much to do with the environment you’re in. I don’t think it’s necessarily that you fell under average, but more so that the university we went to, and the seminar we were in just had absurdly good programmers.
Yeah fair, but I also know in my heart that.. the only reason I chose this seminar is because there were no pre-requisits. I joined and just never had the nerve to leave. I was suddenly appointed leader, and pressured to write my thesis and I just feel trapped. Because I’m the leader, I feel like I have to be more capable, and I know I need to study harder than everyone else.
True… I remember our seminar was a pretty tough environment, especially for women.
Yeah. I think women are taken very lightly no matter your position or ability. I feel like I need to exceed everyones expectations by far, because I’m a woman. I spend so much of time trying to think about ways in which I can look stronger. I feel like a kitten trying to disguise as a lioness.
Yeah.. the industry itself is super male dominated. I guess there are pros to that and cons to that..
I think so too. There's just not many female engineers out there right now. Some robots have been made under male engineers, and apparently they have a hard time developing a vocal recognition system that caters to female voice commands. I mean, the concepts and ideas are more catered towards male users as well. I feel like female engineers will be in demand, to add perspective in the development process.
Damn, that’s crazy though that I was leading the seminar!! Go me! I’m so so proud of you!!
No, I know! I actually can’t believe it sometimes. I just feel like there are so many people who are better than me. I always wonder why I was chosen. It genuinely is an honor, and I want to make the most of this opportunity… but it’s so much pressure.
Yeah for sure... Just know that nobody's perfect, and I know you’re doing your best right now.
Yeah.. I’m trying. But there are certain things that I just cannot bring to accept about myself. I’m honestly such a quitter. I just can’t persevere for shit. Like, initially things are smooth sailing, but we’re all bound to hit a wall. At that point I want to quit immediately. The thing is that I can’t come to terms with this ‘incapable me’. I can’t do the whole ‘struggle struggle struggle…. break through!’ thing. I just don’t have grit. It just breaks me to feel incompetent, it genuinely makes me cry sometimes. I’m not ready to accept that part of myself, so I just quit before I get there.
Does that tie back into you hating the feeling of not being good enough?
Yeah I think it stems down to that. Maybe I over estimate myself. Obviously, there are things we’re good at and things we’re not so good at. But I just can’t come to terms with the fact that I’m struggling. I just enter this loop of ‘why can’t I do this thing that everyone else can?’ The worst part about it, is that if I didn’t complain about this, shut up and grinded it out I feel like I would be so much further than I am right now.
What do you think you’re good at then?
I think bottom line is that I like new things — my strength is for sure that I’m willing to step into new, unfamiliar things… Until I hit that wall.
Somethings never change hey? Let’s do a little impossible game of ‘guess the future’. Question 1, Where do you think I am right now? Career wise.
Mmmm.. I feel like I would still be in the same company I land my first job in. I’ve always felt like I’d have an unconventional job. Like a very unique job that calls for an explanation when you get asked “What do you do?”. Like, one of those “That exists?” type of jobs.
Ohh, not bad not bad. How about in-terms of friendships?
Probably not too far off how it is right now. Two, three best friends? I’ll probably grab drinks with bigger groups after work and what-not. But the people I go out of my way to spend quality time with, will probably a very select few. I’ve always been this way, and I don’t really see it changing haha.
Fair enough! Heres a deep one, Question 3 is What kind of person do you think i am now? Please don’t raise the bars too high for me though, I had a long day at work.
I’m probably not that different huh. I mean, hopefully I’ve matured. I want to be more accepting of circumstances, other people and myself. I probably need to learn more about the world, and learn to let expectations go. I feel like I have such high expectations for people, and thats why I keep getting disappointed. I think this why I keep letting myself down too. Instead of being so swayed by my emotions, I want to use that time to lay my future out, even if it’s very loosely. I feel like everyone always says “You can do anything”… yes, in terms of chance, yes. But in terms of real odds, the most important part is “If you put your grind in”. So I hope to be planning my grinds, to get closer to where I want to be.
Have you set any goals for yourself?
Nah, no specific goals yet. For now. I feel like I’ll set some eventually, but I think for now, it’s so dependent on how much work I put into myself in the next few years. I just don’t have a sense of direction yet, so I don’t have solid goals, just that I want force myself to grind things out.
Hahaha I see so much of myself in you.
Yeah no shit, you are me!
True hahaha. Before I go, do you have any advices for me?
If you’re busy now, thats a blessing!!
A strict one, aren’t you? Yes ma’am *eye roll*.
I really hope I’m in demand five years later… How about you, do you have any advices for me?
Dead ass, study hard. Just study hard, say yes to things and stay busy. When you’re busy you have to finish the task with in that time frame, and I promise you’ll end up getting more things done. This works for me, so I know it will work for you too.